(no subject)

I went to hang out at the neighbour's today. It's a weird relationship I have with her, because I enjoy having someone to hang out with, and she's fun to hang out and pass a joint with, but every now and then she can be an amazingly bitter person.  Like, she has beef with half the building, and wants to make that everyone else's problem.  She's also a perfectly distilled essence of every toxic relationship I think I've ever had, so I don't go out of my way to spend a lot of time or get overly close with her. She's two doors down from me, but she won't come over here for anything.  The only way she'll interact is if I go over there.  She wants to borrow something, but I have to take it to her.  She wants to have dinner, but only at hers.  It's a very odd series of small gestures of control that I'm willing to indulge in small doses, admittedly only because I know she has to move out by the end of the month and I'll never see her again.  She told me today that she accidentally deleted my phone number, and I think she expected me to give it to her again, but I just played up the role of autistic idiot and completely missed the implication by choice.  I think I'd be willing to be a little more generous about her behaviour, if she didn't also complain about being single quite as often as she does.  But like, there's a pattern here, and I've been in the middle of it enough times to see it.  But I'm sure this is something my therapist can give some insight about, so maybe I should write it down in my little book to discuss the next time I see her.

I've also been working on the new format for the newsletter, which is basically the old, original format.  Going forward, that's going to be the only way to get fanfic, so sign up over there if you want it.  I'm going to be piecemeal tidying up all my old fic and putting it back on my site over the coming months, and also working on new fic, and using the newsletter to announce both.  Fic on my site will be posted both as plaintext and ePub downloads, the latter being made available only once the fic is complete.  In both instances, the fic will only be available on my site.  I'm not going to be sending it out directly to the newsletter, because well.  I write some weird shit, and putting it in the newsletter directly without any way of age-gating or anything feels unwise.  I'll also be posting art and other projects there as well, so it's not just fanfic.  Basically, all my creative projects will be posted there, so it's a good way to keep up to date on everything.

I have found it oddly nerve-wracking though.  Like, working on fic in any capacity has become irritatingly anxiety-inducing, which is very counter-productive to everything I want from something that ought to be a hobby.  Even just putting something up on the site that was already written made me giddy and weird in a wholly uncomfortable way, which is definitely something else to discuss with my therapist.  I didn't think fandom had fucked me up that badly, but apparently it has.  I'd thought that pulling my fic from AO3 was largely an action done out of protest, but it seems to have been as much out of self-preservation.  There's a fic I quite badly want to start working on again, but even as I opened the Scrivener project for it, I began to feel massively uneasy about it.  Just the thought of it being seen filled me with a sort of dread that I didn't like, and then I realised I'd have to charge up my iPad and pull a few books off my shelves, ick ick ick.  I don't even know when my next appointment is, but now I need to get my schedule book out of my bag and look I guess.